


Scalars and Lamentable Separation

by hpotps



Series: The Ultimate List of OTPs [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 01:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2603729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hpotps/pseuds/hpotps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I never got to kiss him in public.' </p>
<p>Or the 10 times Bucky was in pain and the (bonus) one time his pain broke the scale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scalars and Lamentable Separation

**Author's Note:**

> Here is part two to Scalars and Harrowing Memories! {Formerly Scale of 1-10}
> 
> The reason I changed the title of Steve's fic is because 1: Scale of 1-10 was kinda plain so I wanted something prettier and 2: I wanted Bucky and Steve to have matching titles but not the same because their pain isn't the same.
> 
> This is Bucky's scale of pain, and mind you that much of his pain is Steve!centric.

** 1 **

Bucky really wished Steve would stop picking fights. He always lost, and every time he said, "I had him on the ropes, Buck." And every time Bucky melted and let it go.

"C'mon, scale of 1-10." Bucky said.

Steve spat some blood onto the sidewalk and Bucky had to mentally stabilize himself so he wouldn't turn around and break the other guy's face for what he did to Steve's. "I had him on the ropes, Buck." He eventually said just after he held up two fingers.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Bucky said.

**2**

He would say that until the end of his days, "Yeah, I'm sure.", but he was never sure. Some part of him always nagged about getting there quicker because one day he won't get there fast enough and that was his biggest fear. He wanted Steve so badly it actually hurt him.

But he wanted Steve to be safe more than he wanted him. And wanting him was already putting him in danger.

**3**

Bucky wished that he didn't love Steve. He wished that he could let the boy get his ass handed to him and not feel the irrepressible urge to hand their asses right back.

Today he was in church.

And he was betraying the love of his life.

_'God? I don't know if you're up there but Steve seems to think you are, and I believe in him so I guess I indirectly believe in You. I have a favor to ask, and I know that I don't usually come around to talk to you and all so I like to think that I've been saving these favors up and hopefully have earned this one by now, despite my sins. I need you to take him away from me. I need you to separate us to that he can be safe. I'm not good for him. Please take him away from me.'_

Bucky will never get down on his knees to pray again, spending all his cosmic favors on this one.

**4**

Steve was crying so hard, despite only having held up four fingers, the boy was honestly crying like he'd held up six.

Bucky wouldn't cry. No matter how much he wanted to, he would grit and bear it. He would carry the world on his shoulders in absolute silence for this boy.

**5**

Bucky's thoughts always felt scattered and choppy. Like someone was asking him questions entirely unrelated and only publishing his answers; no pretense and no sense of fluidity.

Today, Bucky's thoughts rang clear as a bell: defend Steve.

Bucky always said it and only now put it into practice on the Hydra agent that had a gun aimed at Steve, "I'd kill for you, Steve."

Bucky was supposed to be happy that he'd defended Steve, but instead he felt sick to his stomach. He never did figure out why, his closest speculation being Steve was finally strong enough to defend himself.

Maybe he didn't need Bucky to kill for him after all.

**6**

The worst part about wanting Steve was that all signs pointed to Steve wanting him back.

But Steve was the kind of guy that would want to kiss him in public.

Bucky wasn't.

Steve deserved at least that much.

 

**7**

Seeing Steve with his face twisted in pain and the number eight etched into his back over Morse Code had Bucky almost pulling out. But Steve just told him to go a little slower. So Bucky did.

**8**

Steve promised Bucky til the end of the line for the first time and Bucky was devastated. He was so hurt that God would so openly turn His back on him and instead make Steve stick around.

So much for favors.

**9**

"Steve!" Bucky called hoarsely. It was thrown to the wind and snow as he fell, unheard and near useless.

_'I never got to kiss him in public.'_

**10**

It was Steve's expression that brought about Bucky's ten. It was the look of utter loss that was burned into his eyes as he plummeted to his death.

_'I take it back, God, I don't want him to be safe if he's also in this much pain.'_

No other thought registered before he died after, _'I'm so sorry'_

**+**

His mind was so foggy but Steve's words were slowly clearing one thought up.

When Steve finished, Bucky remembered the scale.

_"I just gave up on you."_

_'Is this what an 11 feels like?'_

 


End file.
